2005, in summary . . . .

Click here, and Happy New Year!

Some things don't work out like they should . . . .

Two posts in one day. The glories of my procrastination at work. Soon I'll be moving on from this coffee shop to another, so that I won't have the temptation to get online and waste time.

I've stumbled upon a song that somehow explains everything. I love that . . .finding something that resonates so deeply. Joe Purdy's "Some Things Don't Work Out" speaks to me now as I sit in a place that evokes memories from a past relationship and a different life. I suppose that's the risk one takes in bringing someone she loves to her secret places of retreat. Somehow he gets tangled up in the walls and lights, and a corner where a vulnerable conversation was held becomes sacred and sad all at once, in a bittersweet sort of way.

"I did the best that I could . . . ."

A New Addiction

Joe Purdy. Check him out.

Right now I'm at Milwaukee Street Traders in Delafield, attempting to read a text book for the Wilderness First Responder course I'll be taking in a couple days. The reading isn't going so well. Outside the snow is falling, and I passed up an opportunity to go snowboarding. Stupid, stupid . . .but this is what I get for procrastinating. Still, the snow is like salt in the wound. At least I have Joe's voice swimming around my brain and I think of the ocean and love. Not so bad.

My mind should be on the AVPU scale: A-Awake, V-Responsive to verbal stimulus, P-Responsive to painful stimulas, and U-Unresponsive to any stimulus, and the million other acronyms like SOAP and SAMPLE, but again, the snow is falling . . . .

Someone please diagnose me with ADD.

I'm in Love with David Bazan

But I think he's married . . . .

Pedro the Lion. My brother introduced me to their album/record/CD (What is it these days?) It's Hard to Find a Friend years ago. After my first listen, I was on a mission to meet Bazan and marry him. I couldn't get enough of his honesty.

The mission failed (surprised?), but as I listen to their Achilles Heel album I picked up today, I can't help but wonder what could have been had I had some success during my college years . . . .

WI Bluegrass

The dogs! Yes, this blog would not be complete without some recent shots of the canines in my life. The second is mine, Dima, on the prowl . . .he likes to think he's the Great Hunter of the Woods, but aside from a couple of city birds in Minneapolis, his resume is looking pretty slim on "kills." And then there is the family dog, Buddy, who is nearing his end. An enlarged heart and countless other problems will most likely make this year his last. However, Mom is still believing that he is chronic, and not terminal . . . . He's a sweet dog. I'm hoping that he goes when I'm away on a course. Horrible? Yes. But I couldn't even handle calling the vet to see how much it would cost to put him down. Once I got off the phone, I broke down in tears, called my Dad at work, and he then cried . . .a vicious cycle. But to his credit, Bud lives on. Beside Buddy is my father, who is somewhat humoring me with the new digital camera (as seen by his facial expression). Ah, family.

Currently I'm listening to a friend's (Lindsay's) dad's bluegrass band's CD. (How many possessives can I string in one sentence?) I'm enjoying his mad bass and banjo skills. Good work, Jeff! It has been nice to be back in bluegrass-friendly parts. And I have to admit, I've enjoyed the Northern MN radio stations as well. They're absolutely hilarious in that aside from the country stations, the others will play a 70's or 80's tune before or after a recent release. It's great working with the girls (especially those from the Northern MN area) that come to the camp, because they already know half of the songs I grew up with. It makes singing on the trail and on the water a bit easier. Granted, they still love the Lady-Lumps song and 50 Cent . . .what happened to lyrics with some thought behind it? What happened to Bob Dylan, U2, and the other greats? I'll leave this rant later for a different post.

On a final note, I finished A Million Little Pieces, and found it to be an excellent read. I want to share something here that Frey found helpful from the Tao: "Knowing other people is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom." I've never perceived wisdom in relation to self-knowledge, but it makes sense . . .when we come to truly know ourselves--the bad, the beautiful, the average--we are humbled and thankful that we're not alone. Isn't that what wisdom ultimately brings us to--humility and grace?

My hope is to get to individual emails soon. Thank you for your patience with me!

Christmas . . .and a digital camera.

Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Season's Greetings. And all the others . . . .

To your left is my brother and sister-in-law, Dave and Nicole, and me. Efforts were made to get Dima in the picture, but after much wrestling and his absolute refusal to look at the camera, I gave up. (It's good to know that Christmas traditions remain intact in both dog and human realms--I don't know what I would do with myself if there wasn't some sort of scuffle and sass from the dog.) Aside from that, Christmas Eve was a successful unwrapping event with the yearly I can't find the gift card search. Fortunately this year's was located under Mom & Dad's bed, as opposed to the former's home in the dumpster outside of Dad's work.

Favorite gifts: snowboard bindings, a down vest, and some amazing smelling Origins body scrub. The Johnny Cash CD is also a winner . . . . My parents also donated money to World Relief in my name so that a family in Nicaragua can produce over an acre and a half of nutmeg to provide income for their family. Mayrani (a girl I've visited and support in an orphanage in Mexico) made me an ornament and sent a letter decorated with stickers I had sent her awhile back as well. I think those last two gifts mean the most to me.

I'm surrounded by incredible people--at work, here, my entire past . . .people who genuinely love others. I learn from all of them.

Enjoy the holidays.

Oprah's books

Yes, I have become what I formerly mocked--first with scrapbooking, and now with Oprah's book club. I couldn't resist picking up A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. The hand covered with the multi-colored mini-baking-sugar-balls on the book's cover got my attention. (Confection candies. Is that what they're called?)

Anyway, a line in it moved me and I'll share it with you here:

"The Sun is up and the Sky is blue empty blue light blue clear blue. I would drink the Sky if I could drink it, drink it and celebrate it and let it fill me and become me. I am getting better. Empty and clear and light and blue. I am getting better."

Today Togo's sky was of that nature, and as I made my way through the hummocks to the girls' solo sites, I couldn't help but take in the "blue empty blue light blue clear blue" sky, and feel that I was getting better too.

There is something to be said about a long day of physical work . . .you go to bed with the body tired, but the mind rested. There is satisfaction in dropping a tree for base logs and chopping wood. Some girls have even labeled me the "Sawing Maniac." What can I say? I enjoy fire . . .heat . . .and food (especially the latter). It makes life outside in the single digits a little more comfortable. Sometimes this logic escapes the girls, but I'm a firm believer that they'll come around eventually . . . .

A Beginning

Yes, I have now joined the blogging world. A bit intimidating given my computer abilities, but I stumbled upon this while procrastinating writing a report. Some things worsen with age . . . .

Tonight I think of the nearly-full moon, chunky snow-covered pines, and a silent, comforting loneliness settles in. Rufus Wainright sings "Hallelujah" and I think of going home, leaving the reports and the girls, and taking off for a night of stillness that comes with the changing scenery of a long drive. Thoughts and the road--something I'm craving currently. That and Christmas lights. Maybe some small town tinsel-covered lampost hangings shaped in snowflakes, bells, and candles too. Snow falling, colorful lights, and air thick with quiet . . .bliss.