Ramblings from a Couple of Days Ago

Currently the breeze drifts through my apartment while Chachi hangs out by my bare feet. Light filters in through the white linen window treatments and David Gray’s Life in Slow Motion album floats through the air like the breeze. I’m absorbing as much peace as possible.

A quick word about David Gray: I love him . . .maybe to the point of obsession. His lyrics, voice, guitar and piano playing abilities—so much depth. His piano skills in particular . . .all I can say is that if I was in the same room with him while he was playing, I would probably jump him. And yes, I’m shameless.

Ain’t No Love is the song that has spurred on the most thought lately. I find myself agreeing with him, while not . . . . I haven’t believed in a lot of things, for a long time now. Pre-Bethel College I was struggling through Christian doctrinal issues concerning salvation, the motivation behind “evangelism,” and the usual pettiness of dating other Christians, expecting “spiritual leadership” from males only (I imagine the woman’s leadership was displayed by saying yes to her husband at all times while raising the kids in a meek manner . . . ), and the list could go on for pages. So many inconsistencies.

I was one of those kids who read through the entire Bible a few times as well—The Living, NIV, and NRSV translations (still working on The Message). I wanted to bring it all together so that it would make sense. Sick of everyone telling me what to believe, I thought I might take a stab at it myself . . .see where my thoughts would take me in the theology business. With a BA in Biblical and Theological Studies (with a Greek emphasis), along with a year and a half towards a MDIV, I’ve come to very few conclusions. If anything, my studies have made life more ambiguous, and I’ve taken to concentrating on loving those around me while attempting to be a voice for those who have none (currently MN girls in “the system” and neglected dogs in the Iron Range).

I’ve clung to Father Zossima’s advice to the skeptical woman in Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov. Father Zossima begins with this assertion:

“One cannot prove anything here, but it is possible to be convinced.”

“How? By what?”

“By the experience of active love. Try to love your neighbors actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you’ll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of your soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain.”

My opinion is that the church wastes too much time talking about belief. The wrongs, the rights--always failing and missing the point . . . . What of love? What if evangelism was encouraging others to love those around them without the mandate to confess Jesus as Lord first? What if evangelism was “Hey, I’m going to go mow the bitchy lady’s lawn who yells every time a dog approaches her yard, or I’m going to go hang out as a Big Sister or Big Brother, or I’m going to collect some food for the pantry, etc.. Do you want to come along?” Maybe then God could be experienced through an act of sacrificial love instead of some damn apologetic argument. Ontological or teleological—it doesn’t mean anything. But going out of your way for someone or something that needs it does mean something. For some, it means everything.

So then, for those of you plagued with existential angst, take some advice from WB:

“When we convene again
to understand the world,
the first speaker will again
point silently out the window
at the hillside in its season,
sunlit, under the snow,
and we will nod silently,
and silently stand and go.”