Since I'm on a Ray kick . . .

I was meandering through some old journal entries and found this one. I'm not sure what I'm really getting at, but what's new?

Ray LaMontagne’s song Jolene brought me to tears the other night, causing me to think of the girls that I work with and their addictions. “Jolene, I ain’t about to go straight . . .it’s too late . . . .” and then later, “I still don’t know what love means.” I think it was the repetition of this last phrase that grabbed me. Feeling everything at once, I sat on my bed and had one of those good soul-cries. I’m not sure what it is that I’ve been feeling lately . . .it’s not despair, but it is a sense of sadness for the pain some people must endure. Sadness too, for the lack of love people endure. And I wonder, have I loved people well? Authentically? Have I been loved well, and from whom?

Do I know what love means?

One chapel I attended in college was a commencement ceremony and had I known that it was going to be that, I wouldn’t have gone. Thankfully I was among the ignorant few.

A phrase given by the chemistry professor receiving the award that morning has stayed with me on an almost daily basis: “You must never let your heart callous.” I can’t imagine a worse death in life, than to lose the capability to give and receive love . . .though I see so many (and sometimes myself among them) who have given up because of bad experiences with others. As humans we have this tremendous power in forgiveness, kindness, mercy, and yet it seems we’re afraid to exercise them. We’re afraid because we need others to do the same, and those others have a habit of disappointing us. And why do they disappoint? Because they, too, are afraid.

The old adage “Perfect love casts out all fear” comes to mind and I wonder if we’ll ever get there. To love without expectation, and yet with discipline and sensitivity. With honesty and courage. With compassion.

So what then, does love mean?